


Relish The Uncertainty

by pessi_mista



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Fear, Gen, Introspection, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 09:22:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14589903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pessi_mista/pseuds/pessi_mista
Summary: Kyoko should be excited about her next big experiment. And she definitely shouldn't think of waking Asuka up so early in the morning.





	Relish The Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thirteenie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thirteenie/gifts).



Kyoko shifted her weight from one foot to the other for the third time since approaching the door to Asuka's bedroom. She stood there, looking at the doorknob and occasionally covering the handle with a slightly trembling hand, just to withdraw it a couple of seconds later and shove it back down her coat's pocket. 

She really should be in her car by now. Asuka was certainly not in any kind of danger. Her father would be staying home all day, and the nanny would still be coming to help him take care of her. The girl wouldn't lack for company, supervision and protection. 

So, where had that urge to talk to Asuka come from? Usually, they'd only talk that early in the morning if by any chance the girl woke up on her own before Kyoko had headed to the garage. As that rarely happened, in ordinary weekdays she'd only see Asuka in the evening, after coming back home from the lab. 

But that wasn't going to be an ordinary weekday, would it? Kyoko's heart drummed in her chest at that thought. 

_If only I could tell for sure what's going to happen... But nobody can. All we've got to go by is Ikari's experiment._

Suddenly breathless, Kyoko instinctively tugged at her shirt's collar, although it wasn't buttoned up. The contact experiment with Unit-02 that she was due to undertake later that day should have her giddy with excitement. She'd usually relish the uncertainty that surrounded such ventures. Yet, there she was, now tugging also at the hem of her skirt, as if in an attempt to stop an invisible belt from strangling her at the waist. 

While Kyoko didn't care particularly for the first contact experiment, since it had been so different from what she was about to do, she cared much more than she probably should about the second one. By all accounts, Yui Ikari's experiment had ended the way it had because she wished for that and planned accordingly. However, that didn't exclude the possibility of an accident amidst the contact that might put Kyoko in a similar situation. Granted, Ikari hadn't come back because she hadn't wanted to. But that didn't mean that wanting to come back would be enough to ensure the success of any reversal or rescue procedure. 

Frustratingly, the best person to figure out a reasonably dependable method to revert a contact gone wrong was none other than Ikari herself. Or would be, if she ever returned to share whatever she might have learned from her experience. As things currently stood though, Kyoko might very well become the next best choice in case her soul got inadvertently absorbed by Unit-02. That is, assuming she would ever succeed in coming back from it. 

_What if I end up trapped for good? What if I can never see Asuka again?_

Those thoughts had been echoing against the walls of Kyoko's mind since she'd volunteered to become the subject of the experiment. Fourteen weeks later, the echoes hadn't subsided yet. If anything, they'd grown louder. Added to her breathlessness, they finally made it impossible for Kyoko to resist the urge to see Asuka before leaving for work.

Turning the doorknob, she opened the door. The light from the hallway's lamp painted a large luminous strip over the bedroom's carpet and on Asuka's bed. The little girl seemed immersed in deep sleep, her facial muscles completely relaxed. With one arm sticking out of her blanket, she embraced her favorite plush doll, whose head rested right next to hers on the pillow. 

That image had the power to slow down Kyoko's hertbeats a little. Watching her daughter, her smart, energetic, beautiful daughter as she slept so peacefully gave Kyoko the feeling that she too could find some peace amidst her fears. 

However, Kyoko had a start as Asuka slightly shifted her position in her bed. It wouldn't be fair to make her daughter wake up so early. It would be even less fair to place onto Asuka's small shoulders the responsibility of soothing the nerves of a grown up woman. As much as Kyoko would love to talk with her and hear her voice before departing, she decided against it and stepped back to leave the room. With great care, she closed the door, producing no more noise than a barely audible click. Her hand lingered on the knob though as she stood outside. 

_I have to wonder if Ikari ever felt like this about her son. I'm guessing not._

Although she'd never met Yui Ikari in person, Kyoko knew a few basic facts about her. She had no idea how Ikari's son was called, but she'd heard he was just a small child at the time of his mother's contact experiment. The one Ikari had carefully planned. The one that had separated her from her own son forever. 

How could Ikari have been so selfish and cold? Kyoko loved science as dearly as any of her peers did, but she loved Asuka even more. Her daughter came above all else. How could a mother feel any differently toward her own child? Not being well-versed in psychology, a field she viewed as little more than a protoscience anyway, Kyoko wasn't really familiar with the possible explanations that a specialist might offer regarding the behavior of someone like Ikari. All she knew was that such behavior was impossible to understand and accept. Her grip on the door's handle tightened, her fingers pressed against the metallic surface as a wave of indignation washed over her. 

_I am not like that and I never will be. I will always love my Asuka. And I will come back to her. For her._

That thought made something click inside Kyoko's mind. Did she really have to fear anything when she had a child to live for? 

Sure, she couldn't delude herself into assuming that her motherly love would somehow prevent the experiment from going wrong. Science didn't work like that. However, fears couldn't hinder problems from happening either. Therefore, it made much more sense to cling to her feelings for Asuka as a form of motivation than to get eaten alive by concerns that would most likely prove unfounded in a few hours. After all, she was a competent professional surrounded by competent colleagues. Nobody could say they didn't know what they were doing at the lab. Why not trust herself, her team and her future? 

Kyoko let go of the doorknob. She realized that her belly and chest didn't press against the fabric of her clothes anymore, a sign that the breathlessness was gone. She smiled as she brushed her worries to a corner of her mind, where they stood writhing and whistling at her. While she still acknowledged their presence and admitted their validity, she didn't have to pay much attention to them. 

_How silly I've been. There's no need to let these fears control me. In all probability I'll be back in the evening to hug Asuka, hear her voice, play with her and give her all my love, as usual. If Ikari didn't want to come back for her son, that's her loss. Yes, that's it: I'm definitely coming back for my daughter, no matter what._

With her confidence and optimism renewed, Kyoko headed to the garage with no more hesitation. She was now certain that this would be a good day for her, and that the contact experiment with Unit-02 was going to be a success.


End file.
